"Question: In what ways did you feel someone hoovered up your experiences, or lassoed their expectations around it, or played it down, or hijacked it in any other way? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below and I’ll join you!"
Oh, so many examples I could give, but I think the most intense and the worst, was the experience I had with an alternative healer in the early part of my healing journey, thirty-some years ago. She definitely was on a mission to save me from denial, and as a result, she caused great harm, a huge breach of trust in my self. She pushed me too far, and I went with her, before I realized it was wrong, and had time to back out. Damage already done, but I'm glad I ended my work with her and didn't continue as I could have.
On a positive note, this became the catalyst to write what would become my manuscript for "Eyes Wide Open". I wanted to spare others from getting hurt like that. Who needs to be re-traumatized when looking for help to deal with trauma?
This may be somewhere between hijacking and springboarding: when someone goes on a tangent that's close to a non sequitur in an obvious attempt to compete with whatever I had been discussing.
I know exactly what's going on, and my response is to sit back and have unspoken thoughts that are not particularly laudatory.
The key throughout is practicing at being a good listener. Your posts make that point very effectively.
Lol, I have lots of thoughts that are not particularly laudatory in those moments as well. You have more patience than me though, it's hard for me not to push back. Sometimes, I'll object just to speak up for myself out of principle, not that I think they'll actually stop to listen. It's frustrating, but I do get a bit testy when I see it happen to someone else.
And thank you, David. I appreciate your interest and support in this. Good listening is so fundamental to healing, and I know, for myself, I had no idea what that looked like for so long. So I do like to write about it to help others discern when someone is actually holding space for them.
I'm interested in getting training in compassionate listening this coming year. It's my favorite part to performing in my activism, the people who come up to me afterward, the stories they share with me. I'd like to do that maybe in more of a group setting, as well, although one-on-one I think will always be my favorite. We'll see.
I like that! Sometimes speaking up is a big waste of time, and only adds to all the hot air flying around. But making it a game of observation can be interesting, a viable option. I will remember this, thanks!
I have been hijacked and felt all those things you describe when it does happen to you. I just never really understood why I was feeling this way. That I was being hijacked. On the outside, the person seemed to be empathetic and listening, but I realize as I'm reading, they were in competition and I never quite felt like I was being seen.
On the other hand, I also recognize that I have been too quick to jump in on conversations. It's a bad habit, so I really have to be mindful of listening. I will often have to remind myself in my head. Don't interrupt, just listen. I will get so excited about something someone is saying, I jump the gun and open my mouth. It's a good reminder of how this can be damaging. And is just rude! So, thanks for explaining it so well.
Hi Kim, delighted to meet you! And thank you so much for sharing. You are so right, and I didn't really even think about that as I was writing. You can do the same thing, same actions, without the negative intent of hijacking, from a totally different place.
I have to watch out for that myself--jump into another person's sharing, not out of a need for validation or other ulterior motive, but like you said, the excitement of what they're saying. Doesn't make it less intrusive for the one speaking, but still within my control to not hurt someone regardless whether I mean to or not. "Inadvertent" doesn't change "Did".
I will be more mindful to look more clearly at how "what something looks like" can come from a self-serving place or a well-meaning place without watering down the impact. It's good to be able to discern the behavior, to be open to where they may be coming from, but regardless, to know you have a right to own its impact on you and to address it as is right for you.
In personal friendships, I think there's more leeway for understanding and communicating, but in healing relationships, like with your practitioner or mentor or someone who is primarily a peer support, it's a hard no.
The "never really understood why I was feeling this way" is a big reason why I write. Spent way too many years wandering through my reality that way, and at a cost, so I'm glad/driven to share what I've learned along the way. I'm happy my writing was meaningful to you, and grateful you let me know. ❤️
So glad our paths have crossed, and thank you for your insight!
"Question: In what ways did you feel someone hoovered up your experiences, or lassoed their expectations around it, or played it down, or hijacked it in any other way? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Share in the comments below and I’ll join you!"
Oh, so many examples I could give, but I think the most intense and the worst, was the experience I had with an alternative healer in the early part of my healing journey, thirty-some years ago. She definitely was on a mission to save me from denial, and as a result, she caused great harm, a huge breach of trust in my self. She pushed me too far, and I went with her, before I realized it was wrong, and had time to back out. Damage already done, but I'm glad I ended my work with her and didn't continue as I could have.
On a positive note, this became the catalyst to write what would become my manuscript for "Eyes Wide Open". I wanted to spare others from getting hurt like that. Who needs to be re-traumatized when looking for help to deal with trauma?
Hi Demain,
This may be somewhere between hijacking and springboarding: when someone goes on a tangent that's close to a non sequitur in an obvious attempt to compete with whatever I had been discussing.
I know exactly what's going on, and my response is to sit back and have unspoken thoughts that are not particularly laudatory.
The key throughout is practicing at being a good listener. Your posts make that point very effectively.
Lol, I have lots of thoughts that are not particularly laudatory in those moments as well. You have more patience than me though, it's hard for me not to push back. Sometimes, I'll object just to speak up for myself out of principle, not that I think they'll actually stop to listen. It's frustrating, but I do get a bit testy when I see it happen to someone else.
And thank you, David. I appreciate your interest and support in this. Good listening is so fundamental to healing, and I know, for myself, I had no idea what that looked like for so long. So I do like to write about it to help others discern when someone is actually holding space for them.
I'm interested in getting training in compassionate listening this coming year. It's my favorite part to performing in my activism, the people who come up to me afterward, the stories they share with me. I'd like to do that maybe in more of a group setting, as well, although one-on-one I think will always be my favorite. We'll see.
I try to turn it into a game to see how far the "hijacker" will go. Makes it easier to be patient, but I absolutely "get" speaking up too.
I like that! Sometimes speaking up is a big waste of time, and only adds to all the hot air flying around. But making it a game of observation can be interesting, a viable option. I will remember this, thanks!
I have been hijacked and felt all those things you describe when it does happen to you. I just never really understood why I was feeling this way. That I was being hijacked. On the outside, the person seemed to be empathetic and listening, but I realize as I'm reading, they were in competition and I never quite felt like I was being seen.
On the other hand, I also recognize that I have been too quick to jump in on conversations. It's a bad habit, so I really have to be mindful of listening. I will often have to remind myself in my head. Don't interrupt, just listen. I will get so excited about something someone is saying, I jump the gun and open my mouth. It's a good reminder of how this can be damaging. And is just rude! So, thanks for explaining it so well.
Hi Kim, delighted to meet you! And thank you so much for sharing. You are so right, and I didn't really even think about that as I was writing. You can do the same thing, same actions, without the negative intent of hijacking, from a totally different place.
I have to watch out for that myself--jump into another person's sharing, not out of a need for validation or other ulterior motive, but like you said, the excitement of what they're saying. Doesn't make it less intrusive for the one speaking, but still within my control to not hurt someone regardless whether I mean to or not. "Inadvertent" doesn't change "Did".
I will be more mindful to look more clearly at how "what something looks like" can come from a self-serving place or a well-meaning place without watering down the impact. It's good to be able to discern the behavior, to be open to where they may be coming from, but regardless, to know you have a right to own its impact on you and to address it as is right for you.
In personal friendships, I think there's more leeway for understanding and communicating, but in healing relationships, like with your practitioner or mentor or someone who is primarily a peer support, it's a hard no.
The "never really understood why I was feeling this way" is a big reason why I write. Spent way too many years wandering through my reality that way, and at a cost, so I'm glad/driven to share what I've learned along the way. I'm happy my writing was meaningful to you, and grateful you let me know. ❤️
So glad our paths have crossed, and thank you for your insight!