A True & Effective Healer Respects Your Right to Ask Questions

It's a right, not a magnanimous gesture on somebody’s part.

Jan 24, 2024

An installment from Eyes Wide Open: Avoiding Re-Traumatization, tools to recognize and prevent getting burnt or re-traumatized in therapy and self-help. Installments are standalone pieces and can be read in any order, published midweekly.

All installments can be found here.

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Demian's brindle pittie mix standing in the snow with an inquisitive look on her face — “What was that, Mom?” MJ, my sweet pittie mix, not only can ask a question, she expects an answer!

Hello Friends,

I’m sorry I missed last Wednesday’s installment. I’m endeavoring to honor my healing cadence. I’ve often ignored it in the past and pushed myself. That never went over well. Sometimes, listening to my healing process means stepping aside from writing to deal with things that arise, and that’s what happened last week. But this week is better.

I’m excited to sit with you again and explore another essential trait of a true and effective healer!

A true healer, traditional or otherwise, respects your right to ask questions.

Doesn’t seem like a hard ask, right? There was a time when questioning a health practitioner was like questioning your priest or other authority figure. Basically, frowned upon, but now it appears to be standard practice, a routine where they even ask you if you have any questions.

However, sometimes a routine can become more of an empty gesture and less genuine reality. And sometimes, asking those questions, you’re so encouraged to ask, comes with conditions.

First, inquiry is a right that belongs to you, not a magnanimous gesture on somebody’s part to allow you to have.

Allows or lets implies conferring a privilege, for which, in case you’re feeling grateful, can be given or taken away.

But while you can be discouraged, intimidated or even prevented from exercising this right, it is still your right. It’s a part of what it means to be a human. Curiosity, striving to learn and understand is hardwired into the human species.

Factors That Can Impact Your Right to Inquiry

1. A Power Differential

The greater the power differential, the more power one holds over the other. In a relationship between practitioner and client, the one who has the power is the person with the knowledge and expertise that the one who’s seeking help needs.

As a client you are the one in a vulnerable state. This can make you more willing to want to not “rock the boat” or come across as being abrasive by asking too many questions, or the wrong questions.

Or sometimes we need the other person to have the answers. We’re more willing to accept their authority than critically looking at what they give us. Because what do we know?

Exactly, that’s why you're asking questions in the first place—to gain understanding and knowledge that you can apply toward your self-awareness and healing.

The power differential that exists between the roles of practitioner and client may prevent you from engaging more fully in your therapy or healing sessions.

2. Your Personal Background

Speaking up or asking questions can be tremulous ground for some of us to stand on.

We may be used to being silenced, or taught to respect authority, which translates to “Obey. Do not question authority”.

We may have been taught that questioning an expert is a sign of disrespect. Or if you do need to ask a question, make sure it’s to follow directions or advice correctly.

While “No question is too stupid to ask” should be the rule, we may have been taught Every question you ask is stupid”. So, we keep our mouths shut to not make a fool out of ourselves.

And if someone asks, “Do you have any questions?”, we may be filled with so much gratitude that we’re allowed to ask, we’re satisfied with asking only “light” questions, never delving deeper into what we want to know.

How Can You Tell If Your Invitation to Ask Questions Isn’t Genuine?

By the strings they attach to it. The respect they show you is conditional respect, which means it’s not really respect.

Here are some of the strings you may run into.

1. You can ask questions, just not the wrong ones.

They’re fine with your questions, as long as they’re the “right” ones.

The problem for you is you can never tell which one is the wrong question until you’ve asked it, because it’s arbitrary. If you inadvertently ask the wrong question, you may have to deal with the backlash—from chilly to dismissive to outrage. You’ll probably make sure you don’t repeat that mistake again.

If their reaction isn’t abusive enough, walking on eggshells afterwards, is.

This is a common dynamic in abusive relationships. You do not need this in your relationship with your practitioner.

2. You can ask questions, just not too many.

Sure! Ask questions. As long as you don’t go over your allotted quota.

There is no quota. At least, there shouldn’t be. You ask until you’ve received the clarity you seek. If one question elicits another question, you ask that. But some practitioners don’t appreciate a lot of questions.

They are willing to “let” you ask a few token ones, but that’s it. They may even see more than a few as a personal attack and react accordingly.

But , you ask, is there such a thing as too many questions?

Yes, but that depends on your purpose for asking them, not the impatience or frailty of your practitioner.

When you use asking questions to avoid hearing the answers, then that’s too many.
Meeting every answer with another question without taking the time for a little reflection or contemplation is too many.
Questioning to avoid something else is too many.

A good practitioner calls you out on that. They may invite you to contemplate the answers already given, before jumping to the next question.

And you may decide to take this time to ask questions, not of the practitioner, but of yourself.

It’s all part of the healing process, of discovery and truth-telling, but no true healer will use you asking questions to avoid or distract, as an excuse to shut down questioning, itself. They will use it as the teaching moment and self-awareness opportunity that it is.

3. You can ask questions, but not question the answers.

Some practitioners are fine, even encouraging that you ask questions—just don’t question their answers. They take the “asked and answered” stance. You ask, they answer, the end.

Whether you specifically question them or in general, it doesn’t matter. One answer per question is all you get.

4. You can question some things, but not others.

This applies to allowable category of questions. You can safely ask all kinds of general or theoretical questions. Or you can ask a clarification question in order to follow their advice correctly. The sky’s the limit.

But don’t cross the line into questioning them, or their advice, or even intimate that you kind of, sort of, might be.

5. You can’t question what you actually weren’t (but since you’re here, you might as well).

This involves the practitioner’s perspective that they feel they are being questioned, even when you haven’t asked any question. (Which, by the way, is actually your right, to discern whether this individual is right for you to work with or not)

They can perceive you’re questioning them when you offer a different perspective, experience, or understanding as it concerns your healing, treatment, or course of action. (If this arises, the answer to your question that you haven’t asked, but should, concerning their suitability, is a hard no.)

Some people offering to work with you feel they can educate you, but will not look kindly with you doing the same to them. It’s a one way street, and for you, should be a one way exit out the door.

6. You can ask a question, but it won’t be answered.

They out-and-out ignore it. Like it was never asked.

Or my “favorite”, they give you an answer to a question you didn’t ask and expect you to move on as if they answered your question.

Or they distract you from your question by drawing your attention to something or someone else.

Or they turn the focus around on you, pointing out something wrong with you, or hit you with an accusation so you feel you have to explain or defend yourself. Original question forgotten.

Evasion and non-acknowledgement is an effective way to disarm you of your right to ask questions, by refusing to answer them. Politicians do this all the time. Journalists let them. It’s frustrating.

And when it’s your practitioner, it’s antithetical to healing.

But Shouldn’t You Respect Other People’s Expertise?

Certainly! That’s why you reach out in the first place, to receive from others what you don’t have or can’t come to on your own. But respect isn’t obedience or compliance.

If we are to grow, we need to entertain other ideas and expand the horizons of our understanding. If you come to a person for their expertise, then you should listen to what they offer.

What you don’t need to do is to place their expertise, or them, so high on a pedestal you can’t touch them.

Ultimately, you are responsible for how you use whatever information you receive. If there are choices to be made you need to understand what they are, whether there are options, and what they are, and what the impact, or ramifications of them may be.

To do that, you need to inquire, and receive answers to your inquiries. And if you feel uncomfortable with or confused about anything, then you need to address that, and ask whatever, and however many questions necessary, to resolve your concern.

When Suspending Asking Questions Is a Part of Healing

If suspending questions is part of your therapy or a means to help shift your perspective or pattern of behavior, this should be clearly communicated to you from the beginning and agreed by you.

If you’re asked to temporarily suspend asking questions for reasons like letting go of preconceived notions, or getting out of your head, or addressing your use of intellectual discourse as a means to avoid your emotions, or a way to be quiet enough to listen to your body, or intuition, or emotions, that’s a valid request.

It should never be the entirety, or permanent part of your healing, or your relationship with your practitioner, but for a specific purpose, and for a period of time, that can be revisited and reassessed.

Not Asking Questions Should Never be Required as a Sign of Respect, Faith, or Commitment to Your Healing

Questioning is not a sign of disloyalty, or lack of faith, or lack of commitment to your healing. Obedience, in any form, should never be a requirement for healing.

The insistence that it is, however, is a sign of manipulation.

It’s the precursor to losing your self-agency and places you on a slippery slope to some very toxic dynamics.

If someone does not respect your right to ask questions, if they act as if you are committing a transgression, and tries to make you feel ashamed, or less than in any way for exercising this basic right, that should be your cue to run.

Feedback Requested, Participation Required

A healthy working relationship between client and practitioner requires open communication between the two of you. You depend on feedback from your practitioner. Your questions elicit feedback. It turns lectures into conversations.

Your healing requires your participation. You’re not there as an observer, a passive receiver of someone else’s wisdom, a sponge. Asking questions is one very important way to participate in your own healing.

It is also an integral part of discernment, which we will explore next time.

So, I’m curious. What’s your relationship with asking questions? Is it an apologetic one? Does the thought of asking terrify you? Do you feel embarrassed, because if anyone in the room is going to ask a stupid question, it’s going to be you? Were you ever given permission to ask questions, not just why is the sky blue, but why did you hit me? Please share in the comments if you feel led, and I’ll meet you there!

Silent No More

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