Oops, I Forgot to Get A Boyfriend!

Recent babysitting, taken in a darkened room with my youngest grandson falling asleep to his special song Nana sings for him. I don’t like to publicly share my little grandchildren’s faces, but take my word—he’s adorable!

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written and narrated by Demian

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Damn, I knew I forgot something.

I have not been in a romantic or intimate relationship in a little over two decades. Not because I was carrying a torch for my last relationship. Not because I was irrecoverably scarred. But because, quite frankly, I was busy.

And it wasn’t a priority.

This is hard for some people to understand.

I was 48 when I pulled out of that driveway and knew I’d never come back. Not in my twenties anymore, but I’d been told I look younger than my years and I had time.

Okay, but I had other priorities. I didn’t have time or energy for anything or anyone else. The “extra” time I did have, I gave to me.

And when I say, “intimate relationship”, I am referring to both marriage and non-marriage relationships.

Some may want a relationship but not marriage. Others are fine without both. That would be me.

People I Love

On top of survival, working full-time, and the care and homeschooling of my six-year-old daughter, my beloved sister’s cancer had moved into late stage. She needed me. I became my sister’s advocate and one of her caregivers.

A couple years after she passed away, my first ex-husband, with whom I had remained friends and who had a mutual fan club going on with my little daughter, was diagnosed with cancer. I became his advocate and caretaker until he passed away four years later.

During that time and after, I babysat my first set of grandkids and engaged in some activism as I was able, and as my six-year-old grew older and entered adolescence, I gave her more of my time, not less.

Writing and Music

I have never been in an intimate relationship with a man who wasn’t initially attracted to my creativity and then wound up resenting it. I’m sure there are men who genuinely support their partner’s creativity or passions.

I didn’t experience that. In words, yes, especially in the beginning. But not later and not for most of the duration of the relationship.

I was done being made to feel guilty because I needed time to myself to create or to share that creativity in causes I cared about.

I was done having to deal with resentment for wanting to have a routine with my writing, even when it meant waking up before everyone else did or after they fell asleep.

I was done with the constant interruptions when attempting to write during an agreed-upon time in the day. Not from my children mind you, but from the grown up.

I was done being rushed through recording sessions or being “allowed” to have one or two (occasionally) a month.

My writing, my music were not mere hobbies, nor were they illicit love affairs. They were a part of who I was and am and always will be.

In other words, I wanted the freedom to breathe.

I said earlier I wasn’t scarred. Let me clarify that.

An abusive relationship can inflict considerable harm. In that sense, I was scarred.There’s a cost to abusive relationships.

Sometimes, awareness comes out of that. And that is priceless.

By the time I left, I could recognize the old familial dynamics that had replicated themselves in my reoccurring emotionally abusive relationships. I became aware of the impact of the mistakes I made through them.

With this self-awareness, I was not about to rush into someone else’s arms again. The answer wasn’t to be found in them, and I realized that.

Plus, I was happy.

I was happy.

With all the challenges of surviving during that time, I was happy.

For the first time, I was living my life without emotional and psychological abuse or interference. I was living my life without having to apologize for what was important to me or for being myself.

For someone who has spent her life meeting the needs of others, that was really big.

I was creating an intimate relationship with my self.

Plus, and this might sound a little strange, but since I had started out my life being groomed by and for my father, the thought of having this part of my life to experience what it’s like to live without being defined sexually in any way to someone was appealing to me. It felt right.

It was almost like a second chance for me. Maybe not quite on the timeline one would expect or hope to have, but it was my opportunity. And I wanted to take it.

To me, it made sense. I didn’t revert back to childhood, of course, but it was just really nice to be able to explore those parts of me that had been overshadowed by the abuse, to discover who I was on my own apart from that and as I reclaimed those parts of myself by not being sexual, I was able to reclaim my sexuality as my own.

There was no struggle, nor did it take discipline for me to not date.

What took discipline was learning to honor my own creative practice, to feel comfortable letting it take a place in my life as a priority. Yes, I had before managed to squeeze it in. But never without feeling or being treated like I was doing something wrong or selfish.

Giving myself permission? It’s still a challenge, but I’m working on it.

Which brings me to the point I really want to make here.

Friendship is not a consolation prize

My friends—real friends, true friends—are not second best. They aren’t stand-ins until the “real thing” comes along. They are the real thing. A good friend, a true friend is irreplaceable.

And this is what bothers me the most. People who assume that as a single woman I am always going to want more.

I had someone once, who was a friend, express to me he was a little afraid I might fall in love with him and want more, because I had just broken up with my boyfriend and had a young son. He thought I was vulnerable and needy.

This conversation we had was the first time he and I had spent some time alone together and he felt compelled to share his concerns with me. And then he got a little cozier than I was comfortable, because evidently, I had to be lonely for physical contact, too.

So many assumptions.

I was like, “Yeah, no worries.”

Friendships aren’t consolation prizes. They aren’t holding-places until the “real thing” comes along. Women aren’t lying in wait to spring at the first chance.

I cherish my friendships for the friendships they are. For the valuable, priceless relationships they are.

The problem isn’t someone letting me know they’d like more. I appreciate clear communication. If I don’t pick up the signs, then yes, please spell it out for me

But to assume I do? That I want more without asking me how I feel or if that’s what’s happening just because I’m currently not in a relationship?

That’s insulting.

And to protect yourself when no one is chasing you?

That’s embarrassing.

Will I ever date?

Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t have a crystal ball. But I am realistic. I know me.

I know that I’m not one who will give up the things that have become so important to me, especially now, and knowing who I am, it would take a lot, I think, for someone to fit their life into my life. And that’s fair. I would never hold that against anyone.

So, it may be that I’m not a good partner candidate for anyone.

And that’s okay. We can be friends, and if we are, I will respect you for who you are, your relationships, and the place you have in my life.

Which I love. I love the life I’m crafting and living now.

My family, my children and grandchildren are the real thing. My music and writing, my spirituality and friendships, the causes I believe in, the laughter I’m free to laugh out loud with good people, are all the real thing.

If being in a romantic and intimate relationship is your dream, I hope you find your heart’s desire, truly. You deserve what makes your heart sing.

But know that there are those who sing other songs.

And they are no less beautiful than yours.

From my heart to yours, genuinely and truly,

Demian ~ Silent No More

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Silent No More is my voice through written/spoken word and song for healing, love, and human dignity, and against abuse and tyranny. I am a survivor and artist activist making a difference through the creative process. Please join me in making a difference together, one heart at a time.

And if you will, spread the light ❤️ Share Silent No More with someone you care about.

Thank you so much 🎶 ❤️