Essential Traits of a True Healer
From Eyes Wide Open Series
These are the traits that are essential to creating the environment needed for healing and growth.
Dear Kindred Spirit,
So glad to see you today! It’s been an interesting week, my birthday, time with grandkids, my youngest daughter I don’t get to see much these days, because she often works in another state, and the beginning signs of healing for my voice. It’s been a good week.
Right now I’m excited to share the next installment of my book series, Eyes Wide Open: Avoid Getting Re-Traumatized While Seeking Help from Abuse on Your Healing Journey. It’s a mouthful, but it’s also a feast of ideas and perspectives that support you in your healing.
The installments can be read in any order.
Non-Negotiable Traits
So, you finally make the decision to work with someone on your healing journey. That’s great! Or you already chose someone, they’re available, and you’ll be working together soon. Even better! Perhaps you’ve been working with someone for a while. That’s wonderful!
But are they a good fit? Do you know what you need or what to ask for?
Sometimes, when we decide we’re ready for therapy or support of some kind, we just want to get to it. Pick out a name, make an appointment, and you’re set. Easy, 1, 2, 3, right?
Not so much, no. You can pick up the phone for crisis hotlines, and get help quickly, which is amazing.
I have a list of some hotlines here:
But it’s a more intricate process for finding someone you will work with on a consistent basis. There’s a shortage of therapists now, and the proliferation of alternative options can be difficult to choose, especially when it can be difficult to ascertain background or skill level.
You may also have personal preferences to consider. You may be set on a specific healing modality, or personality type, sex and/or gender. You may desire to work with someone who can prescribe medication if needed, or maybe it’s more important to you to work with someone who understands your cultural, ethnic, racial, religious, philosopical or social background—without the necessity of having to educate them first.
Some preferences you may be willing to compromise, but there is one area in which there can be no compromise.
Why? Because it deals with respect, and you, dear reader, deserve its full measure.
Respect creates the environment needed for healing, regardless of modality of healing, skill set, personality or identity. If someone respects you, and makes you feel respected, you can be more flexible with some preferences. You can still do good work together.
But if respect is lacking in your working relationship, or is tepid, at best, the person you work with, no matter how many preferences they fill, will not only be less effective in helping you, the relationship, itself, may become injurious, even causing you to be re-traumatized.
A list of traits
Over the subsequent weeks, we’ll explore, in greater depth, each trait or characteristic of a person capable of elicting healing in another. It’s not enough to just list them, because you can go, “Oh yeah, I understand…respect, got it”, but we often miss what this looks like or sounds like in our interactions with another. So we’re going to take a close look at that, but for now, I’ll quickly list them here.
A truly healing person does the following:
Listen so you feel seen and heard
Respects your story as your own
Respects the cadence of your healing
Respects the timing of your sharing
Respects your right to ask questions
Respects your right to discern
Supports and celebrates your empowerment and growth
Keeps your confidence and honor your trust
Respects your path
Respects the truth
Respects the truth of you
Healed Enough
The foundation on which these essential traits rest is the mental and emotional health of the individual themselves.
Not perfectly healed. There’s no such thing. But when someone takes responsibility for another person’s healing, for your healing, in that they will guide you through the smooth and wild of your inner terrain, they need to be healed enough to do the job.
You don’t need your needs and issues bumping up against theirs.
Yes, they can receive training in how to better articulate respectful language, but unless the practitioner is healed enough, or healthy enough, to genuinely feel it and understand it, their show of respect will be shallow on their part. That will affect you.
An unscrupulous practitioner can, also, use what they learn, their skills, against you.
If you know what the traits of a true facilitator of healing are, you will notice when they ‘re absent. You will be able to recognize the situation quicker than if you just had uncomfortable feelings, but weren’t quite sure why.
I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Don’t feel bad or apologetic for holding someone you consider working with, or are working with, to a standard. This can be hard for some of us, but remember, no matter how skilled or educated they are, or how genuine or spiritual they may appear to be, it’s not your job to protect their feelings.
No matter how long they’ve been on the healing journey, whether they’re a “veteran of healing”, or how many healing modalities they may have gone through in their own experiences; no matter if their names are sung with praise as being the best “natural”, “organic”, “empathic”, “intuitive”, enlightened” healer or mentor, none of these titles or descriptions can justify accepting the absence of any one of these ten traits.
Or they may have a trail of letters after their name, education out the whatever, glowing testimonies and reviews, numerous accolades, awards, be absolutely fantastic with other clients. Those achievements may earn them the right to be respected for their hard work, but it doesn’t entitle them access to the tender places in your heart, your breathtaking vulnerability, or your precious, precious self.
How are they in working with you? Great with everyone else? Fantastic for them! It’s how they land with you that matters.
Hold those who would work with you up to the light of each characteristic of a true healing-person.
Looking out for yourself may feel uncomfortable, even wrong at times, but it’s not. So no feeling guilty for questioning, or declining to work with someone, or letting them know you will no longer work with them.
You can be gracious. You can be kind. But you must be strong, and diligent in doing what is right for you. This is respecting yourself.
Respecting yourself is not just your right.
It is your healing journey.
What do you think?
What’s your experience with therapists or other facilitators of healing who weren’t a good fit for any number of reasons?
Share your answer to this prompt or whatever this essay may have brought up for you in the comments. I’ll meet you there!
Each step on your your healing journey, brings new opportunity for you to flex your muscles, to stretch and grow.
You can learn a lot about yourself. What I hope you learn the most is how valuable you are, and how worth the effort you are, in looking out for your well-being. Which is what you’re doing.
And that is beautiful, as you are.
My heart to yours,
Demian Elaine’ Yumei ~ Silent No More
What’s your experience with therapists or other facilitators of healing who weren’t a good fit for any number of reasons, or whatever may have come up for you in this essay?