👏👏👏🥹 What a beautiful piece, Demian! And hearing you read it is so wonderful!!! ❤️ I love the way you write- it’s poetic, touching and relatable. And more importantly, for those things I can’t personally relate to, you write them in a way that effortlessly evokes empathy and understanding.
It’s great to hear your voice! I hope we’ll continue to hear more of it. ❤️ Sending you tons of love.
You know, I don't even have to read what your comment is before smiling when I see you here. Just seeing your name does it! And thank you so much! Your words of support, sharing how my work affects you, is not only helpful but really lifts me up. I appreciate that! I appreciate you ❤️
I had fun recording this. I had attempted to record my last post, but wasn't able to.
I started out great, but because I was focused on editing and reading, I went right back to my old pattern of speaking, which puts stress on my voice. Got hoarse 2/3 of the way through, so said, nope, not ready.
I've come to really appreciate how much further I need to go to break old patterns...(mmh, well over half a century of speaking one way vs some weeks of establishing a new pattern... wonder why? 🤦🏻♀️ Lol)
It might take a while before I can speak without needing to be consciously vigilant to engage in my newer healthier patterns. But I think healing is like that, and I'm still in awe of even though it's going to take a while, it's not going to take the same amount of time to undo what had been done over decades. That, to me, is a miracle!
I have a great support team I'm working with now--speech pathologist, voice body connection teacher/coach, and trauma therapist. For someone who has traditionally avoided therapeutic help, (Don't recommend doing that, the avoiding part) I sure dove into it once I decided I wanted/needed this help. Haha!
I'm so grateful for this privilege and the serendipity that brought it to me, which includes our paths crossing, dear friend. ❤️
You know what, though? The fact you have that ability to pause and wait and try again (when you’re ready) is really incredible. Because how often have you felt like you just have to push through? So to have that awareness and do things differently… that’s really great! I’m so proud of you!
A lot of people with trauma have this underlying urge to rush through things or push through the pain and that’s soooo difficult to thwart. I still struggle with it too sometimes. It’s those moments you catch yourself in an old pattern and pivot- absolute gold! It reminds me of that movie “What About Bob” and I often find myself repeating “baby steps” to myself as I shuffle through whatever.
I’m so glad you have a wonderful team around you. It sure makes a difference! AND you deserve it. ❤️
Aw, you are just too sweet, and thank you. I had to smile, no laugh at myself, when you wrote "Because how often have you felt like you just have to push through?" Right? Because that would be like my entire life! I guess that was a really big step!
Thank you for being proud of me. That means a lot. I think I'm proud of me, too, now!
My team really does make a difference! For years I avoided asking for help. It's a big step for me to be even doing this! Really grateful I've been able to come to this place of trust.
This reminded me of the WITD prompt from this week. Did you participate?
Anyway, that statement you offer your voice and body: “I’m ready to listen and be okay with wherever we are”—this place of acceptance is what I’m reaching toward. This week, I’ve noticed how much I long for something different—a different story, especially of my motherhood. But different isn’t an option. I am where I am. I need to accept this, and listen.
Thank you for articulating this need, this place where I need to be, accept that I am.
Hey Christianna! No, unfortunately I didn't. How was the prompt for you? I *love* Writing in the Dark, but between the work I'm doing with my speech pathologist, my voice body connection work, which involves writing and physical exercises for your voice and surrounding muscles, and my trauma therapist, which involves processing, my week is pretty full. I do want to get to it though, because I love the somatic work involved with her latest writing cohort. We'll see if I can ... elegantly and without stress, that's key for me 😊
I think you will find that beautiful balance that works for you. And I hope you know that regardless of whether you're where you want to be or not, your children are very lucky to have a mom who cares so much for them. I know you long to love them and be with them in a way you physically can't right now, and I wish that for you. But don't underestimate the energy and power of you loving them in this way. It's real and it's beautiful as you are ❤️
I would talk to my right hand, and my mouth. My hand has been numb for 10 weeks now, and my words have not been working properly for about 8 weeks now. I had an MRI scan this afternoon, and then went for dinner with my Dad and his partner. I had a story to tell them but my words tripping over themselves in every sentence made telling the story really tricky.
Thankfully, Dad knew one part of the story well enough to take over the telling of it, but the rest was down to me.
It was difficult, frustrating for me, and even more annoying because I can’t even write it with my hand right now-but it’s time for it to be told, so I’m finding a way.
I want to take a journey of healing with them - your words, my wish - but I’m so frustrated with the situation right now... how does this journey begin?
With a single step.
Followed by another.
And another.
I’ve spent much of today on the verge of tears, but hearing your story and your voice helped somewhat.
Maybe my hand will be a bit better tomorrow. Today is the worst it’s been, and I miss it. I miss being able to effortlessly write my words. I miss being able to speak at a million miles an hour, although people were always telling me to speak more slowly...
I’m not quite ready to be ok with where we are, but maybe tomorrow I’ll be more accepting. Maybe then I’ll be ok with where we are and I can take that step towards healing.
Today I’m not, but I guess that’s ok
Thank you for your kind words. I think they’ll help me to be kinder to my body ❤️
Oh, Sally, I am so sorry for what you are going through, for the sorrow I can feel you are carrying under this weight. I can only imagine how frightening it must be. I'm glad you had the MRI today. Hopefully they can tell you what's going on, and that it will call for a gentle and effective response.
It's absolutely okay to not be okay with where you are... which is actually where you are, honestly, and genuinely with your current situation. I like how you are holding what's real for you. That's powerful. And I love your single steps, planting each one like a seed for possibilities and hope.
2018 is the last time I sang publicly... purely on adrenaline, and when I was done, I went home and crashed... for like the next four years until the energy started turning! I was already signed up for medical leave, but omg, did I ever use it and then some.
The chronic fatigue and ensuing brain fog was debilitating. Most of that time is hazy to me. But sometime in my 3rd into 4th year I started my climb out. In 2022, I had enough energy to start taking some writing courses, and early last fall in 2023, I decided I wanted to sing again, and began my journey to reclaiming my voice "With a single step. Followed by another. And another." 😊
The reason I'm sharing this with you is because those long years was a period for me of learning acceptance. Of "being okay" with wherever I was at that moment. Not as a way of saying I didn't want things to get better, because I most certainly did!
But to allow myself to not put anxiety and stress on top of what I was going through.
Not that I wasn't ever anxious or depressed or never feared that, "Oh my god, will I be like this forever????" Because I was and did! But bringing myself back to that place of acceptance... it became like a practice... to be okay with wherever I was, allowed me to bring wherever I was to more of a "no-anxiety" zone, to offer myself a sense of peace rather than the anxiety and grief that I can *really* dive into!
It wasn't giving in. It was more like... giving me a break.
But goodness, yeah, when those feelings of NOT PEACE come over, I let them have their seat, too. To accept that in this moment that's where I am, that I'm not pleased with this and it's not okay!
Every part of you wants to be acknowledged, right? Just making decisions I'm able to.
Sally, thank you so much for the tender and intimate sharing of what you are experiencing with me. I'm deeply honored. If I may, I will hold space for you, which means whenever I think of you, and I will, I will send some serendipity and grace your way in whatever beautiful way it may unfold. Holding you in my heart ❤️❤️
Thank you for holding that space, it really does mean the world ❤️❤️
One good thing is that I can still sing! Maybe it’s muscle memory with familiar songs, but I added a file yesterday that I chickened out of posting. Now I’m going to fire up my laptop and dedicate it to you, because you’ve just made the title come true 🥰
Thank you once again! (I’ll add more in the morning, once I’m less of an emotional wreck 😆) xx
Ayesha, what a wonderful way to start my week, meeting you here. Thank you for sharing your desires. They are so beautiful and tender. I I hope for you the homecoming you desire in whatever way is meaningful to you. ❤️
👏👏👏🥹 What a beautiful piece, Demian! And hearing you read it is so wonderful!!! ❤️ I love the way you write- it’s poetic, touching and relatable. And more importantly, for those things I can’t personally relate to, you write them in a way that effortlessly evokes empathy and understanding.
It’s great to hear your voice! I hope we’ll continue to hear more of it. ❤️ Sending you tons of love.
You know, I don't even have to read what your comment is before smiling when I see you here. Just seeing your name does it! And thank you so much! Your words of support, sharing how my work affects you, is not only helpful but really lifts me up. I appreciate that! I appreciate you ❤️
I had fun recording this. I had attempted to record my last post, but wasn't able to.
I started out great, but because I was focused on editing and reading, I went right back to my old pattern of speaking, which puts stress on my voice. Got hoarse 2/3 of the way through, so said, nope, not ready.
I've come to really appreciate how much further I need to go to break old patterns...(mmh, well over half a century of speaking one way vs some weeks of establishing a new pattern... wonder why? 🤦🏻♀️ Lol)
It might take a while before I can speak without needing to be consciously vigilant to engage in my newer healthier patterns. But I think healing is like that, and I'm still in awe of even though it's going to take a while, it's not going to take the same amount of time to undo what had been done over decades. That, to me, is a miracle!
I have a great support team I'm working with now--speech pathologist, voice body connection teacher/coach, and trauma therapist. For someone who has traditionally avoided therapeutic help, (Don't recommend doing that, the avoiding part) I sure dove into it once I decided I wanted/needed this help. Haha!
I'm so grateful for this privilege and the serendipity that brought it to me, which includes our paths crossing, dear friend. ❤️
🥹❤️❤️🥹 The feeling is entirely mutual!
You know what, though? The fact you have that ability to pause and wait and try again (when you’re ready) is really incredible. Because how often have you felt like you just have to push through? So to have that awareness and do things differently… that’s really great! I’m so proud of you!
A lot of people with trauma have this underlying urge to rush through things or push through the pain and that’s soooo difficult to thwart. I still struggle with it too sometimes. It’s those moments you catch yourself in an old pattern and pivot- absolute gold! It reminds me of that movie “What About Bob” and I often find myself repeating “baby steps” to myself as I shuffle through whatever.
I’m so glad you have a wonderful team around you. It sure makes a difference! AND you deserve it. ❤️
Aw, you are just too sweet, and thank you. I had to smile, no laugh at myself, when you wrote "Because how often have you felt like you just have to push through?" Right? Because that would be like my entire life! I guess that was a really big step!
Thank you for being proud of me. That means a lot. I think I'm proud of me, too, now!
My team really does make a difference! For years I avoided asking for help. It's a big step for me to be even doing this! Really grateful I've been able to come to this place of trust.
Hugs to you, Sarah! ❤️❤️
This is such a beautiful concept — checking in and acknowledging the different parts of ourselves. No surprise that I was moved by your conversation!
I would say to my voice: “you don’t have to be so harsh all the time.”
Sometimes the fewest words have the greatest impact and goes the deepest to where it's needed and can be received. That's beautiful, Caroline ❤️❤️
This reminded me of the WITD prompt from this week. Did you participate?
Anyway, that statement you offer your voice and body: “I’m ready to listen and be okay with wherever we are”—this place of acceptance is what I’m reaching toward. This week, I’ve noticed how much I long for something different—a different story, especially of my motherhood. But different isn’t an option. I am where I am. I need to accept this, and listen.
Thank you for articulating this need, this place where I need to be, accept that I am.
Hey Christianna! No, unfortunately I didn't. How was the prompt for you? I *love* Writing in the Dark, but between the work I'm doing with my speech pathologist, my voice body connection work, which involves writing and physical exercises for your voice and surrounding muscles, and my trauma therapist, which involves processing, my week is pretty full. I do want to get to it though, because I love the somatic work involved with her latest writing cohort. We'll see if I can ... elegantly and without stress, that's key for me 😊
I think you will find that beautiful balance that works for you. And I hope you know that regardless of whether you're where you want to be or not, your children are very lucky to have a mom who cares so much for them. I know you long to love them and be with them in a way you physically can't right now, and I wish that for you. But don't underestimate the energy and power of you loving them in this way. It's real and it's beautiful as you are ❤️
I would talk to my right hand, and my mouth. My hand has been numb for 10 weeks now, and my words have not been working properly for about 8 weeks now. I had an MRI scan this afternoon, and then went for dinner with my Dad and his partner. I had a story to tell them but my words tripping over themselves in every sentence made telling the story really tricky.
Thankfully, Dad knew one part of the story well enough to take over the telling of it, but the rest was down to me.
It was difficult, frustrating for me, and even more annoying because I can’t even write it with my hand right now-but it’s time for it to be told, so I’m finding a way.
I want to take a journey of healing with them - your words, my wish - but I’m so frustrated with the situation right now... how does this journey begin?
With a single step.
Followed by another.
And another.
I’ve spent much of today on the verge of tears, but hearing your story and your voice helped somewhat.
Maybe my hand will be a bit better tomorrow. Today is the worst it’s been, and I miss it. I miss being able to effortlessly write my words. I miss being able to speak at a million miles an hour, although people were always telling me to speak more slowly...
I’m not quite ready to be ok with where we are, but maybe tomorrow I’ll be more accepting. Maybe then I’ll be ok with where we are and I can take that step towards healing.
Today I’m not, but I guess that’s ok
Thank you for your kind words. I think they’ll help me to be kinder to my body ❤️
Oh, Sally, I am so sorry for what you are going through, for the sorrow I can feel you are carrying under this weight. I can only imagine how frightening it must be. I'm glad you had the MRI today. Hopefully they can tell you what's going on, and that it will call for a gentle and effective response.
It's absolutely okay to not be okay with where you are... which is actually where you are, honestly, and genuinely with your current situation. I like how you are holding what's real for you. That's powerful. And I love your single steps, planting each one like a seed for possibilities and hope.
2018 is the last time I sang publicly... purely on adrenaline, and when I was done, I went home and crashed... for like the next four years until the energy started turning! I was already signed up for medical leave, but omg, did I ever use it and then some.
The chronic fatigue and ensuing brain fog was debilitating. Most of that time is hazy to me. But sometime in my 3rd into 4th year I started my climb out. In 2022, I had enough energy to start taking some writing courses, and early last fall in 2023, I decided I wanted to sing again, and began my journey to reclaiming my voice "With a single step. Followed by another. And another." 😊
The reason I'm sharing this with you is because those long years was a period for me of learning acceptance. Of "being okay" with wherever I was at that moment. Not as a way of saying I didn't want things to get better, because I most certainly did!
But to allow myself to not put anxiety and stress on top of what I was going through.
Not that I wasn't ever anxious or depressed or never feared that, "Oh my god, will I be like this forever????" Because I was and did! But bringing myself back to that place of acceptance... it became like a practice... to be okay with wherever I was, allowed me to bring wherever I was to more of a "no-anxiety" zone, to offer myself a sense of peace rather than the anxiety and grief that I can *really* dive into!
It wasn't giving in. It was more like... giving me a break.
But goodness, yeah, when those feelings of NOT PEACE come over, I let them have their seat, too. To accept that in this moment that's where I am, that I'm not pleased with this and it's not okay!
Every part of you wants to be acknowledged, right? Just making decisions I'm able to.
Sally, thank you so much for the tender and intimate sharing of what you are experiencing with me. I'm deeply honored. If I may, I will hold space for you, which means whenever I think of you, and I will, I will send some serendipity and grace your way in whatever beautiful way it may unfold. Holding you in my heart ❤️❤️
Well, there’s some tears spilled over! 😭😭
Thank you for holding that space, it really does mean the world ❤️❤️
One good thing is that I can still sing! Maybe it’s muscle memory with familiar songs, but I added a file yesterday that I chickened out of posting. Now I’m going to fire up my laptop and dedicate it to you, because you’ve just made the title come true 🥰
Thank you once again! (I’ll add more in the morning, once I’m less of an emotional wreck 😆) xx
Ooo, I love this! Take your time! When you're ready, but oh I am excited to be hearing your voice in song, thank you! ❤️❤️
Meep! 👀
Going over now ❤️
My mind wants to come home. My mind wants to feel innocence. It wants to learn how to be free again.
Ayesha, what a wonderful way to start my week, meeting you here. Thank you for sharing your desires. They are so beautiful and tender. I I hope for you the homecoming you desire in whatever way is meaningful to you. ❤️
Thank you!