🎧 A Deep and Overarching Respect
Closing thoughts on Part 1: 10 Essential Traits of a True Healer
Read by Demian
This is the last installment of Part 1:10 Essential Traits of a True Healer, which is part of the Eyes Wide Open series, giving you the knowledge and tools to recognize, prevent and/or stop getting burnt or re-traumatized in therapy and self-help.
Installments are standalone pieces. They can be read in any order.
Past and future installments of Eyes Wide Open Series can be found here.
The Eyes Wide Open Series continues with Part 2: Expertise—Sifting Through Assumptions and Deceptions, where we look at expertise, what it means, and its signifiers that can be used in a misleading or deceptive way.
Followed by Part 3: Support Groups and Group Mentality, which deals with group dynamics, mob mentality, or cult-like behavior, whether your group can be classified as such or not.
It’s All About Respect
Because your relationship with any practitioner requires sharing your most intimate stories, feelings and sufferings, and that trust and vulnerability isn’t earned by them, but given by virtue the role they play, a palpable and demonstrable respect from your practitioner toward you is all the more important.
It’s what you have to ascertain if their expertise or perceived qualifications merit that level of confidence and trust.
We explored the ten essential traits of a true & effective healer, that I feel are non-negotiable in any working relationship that deals with your mental or emotional health, and if you approach it from this angle as well, your spiritual health.
These traits consist of being able to truly listen and to respect your story as your own. It’s holding space for the cadence of your healing, and your personal timing of when it’s right for you to share or not share.
It involves the capacity and practice of respecting your right to ask questions and to discern, to step into your power. They hold your trust and confidence, and they honor it.
They recognize your path is your own, and they’re trustworthy. You can trust that they are who they say they are, and they say what they mean, and mean what they say.
A true and effective healer respects truth, itself.
These traits inform the interactions in your relationship with each other, and therefore, the efficacy of their ability to create an environment conducive to healing. Combined and interwoven, these traits and their ensuing actions create the synergy of a deep, overarching respect for you as an individual and human being.
A good goal to have? Choose someone to work with who is as healthy as you want to be
Skills are important, yes. Knowledge through education and insights are valuable beyond price, but the psychological and emotional stability of the practitioner plays a large role in how those tools will be used.
So, how can you tell how healthy anyone truly is, especially in the beginning?
First, recognize that you are a reliable witness to your own experiences. Trust yourself. Use your senses. Pay attention, to what you see and feel.
Second, be alert and vigilant. Not with paranoia, but with responsibility to use what you have. Among other resources, you now have a list of traits to look for in a practitioner and behavior to watch out for. Apply that knowledge to your best, good-faith effort.
Reverse-engineer the essential traits
Here’s another way to use that list of traits. You can use it straight up as measure of standard for behavior or you can reverse engineer it to assess someone’s level of probable health or lack.
Ask yourself these questions concerning each essential trait and the implications of its absence.
If a true healer genuinely listens, but your practitioner can’t or won’t, ask yourself, “Can they be present with their own thoughts, feelings, needs or desires?”
If a true healer respects your story, but they can’t or won’t, can they bear the truth of their own story without erasing, embellishing or rewriting it?
If a true healer respects the cadence of your healing, but they can’t or won’t, to what degree do they ignore the inhalation and exhalation of their own healing?
If a true healer respects your timing in sharing or not sharing, but they can’t or won’t, how often do they steamroll over their own readiness or not-readiness?
If a true healer respects your right to ask questions, but they can’t or won’t, how much can they reexamine their own perspectives and choices in ways that are necessary to grow?
If a true healer respects your right to discern, but they can’t or won’t, to what extent do they become rigid in their thinking, expectations and beliefs?
If a true healer respects your power, but they can’t or won’t, can they be genuinely powerful within themselves, and if not, whose power will they need to leech off of, instead?
If a true healer respects your confidence and trust, but they can’t or won’t, can they keep their own self-trust or are they betrayers to themselves?
If a true healer respects your path, but they can’t or won’t, how much real healing could their own path have brought them?
If a true healer respects truth, but they can’t or won’t, how firmly can they plant their feet anywhere if everywhere is shifting sand?
What if someone listed all these reverse aspects on a resume applying for the job as your practitioner, whether therapist, counselor, coach, mentor, or peer support?
What if their list of what they bring into the relationship read something like this?
I can’t be present with my grief, deepest needs, emotions or thoughts, basically a stranger to myself. I can’t tell you anything without embellishing or rewriting my part in it.
I make it a practice to push myself to deal with things I’m not ready for… and ignore them when I am. I look to outer influences, other people, to decide whether I’m going to share some part of me or not—being oblivious or callous about my own boundaries.
I’m afraid to question my choices, and I certainly won’t consider or ascertain new choices.
I’d rather control other people than to regulate myself. I can’t be trusted not to betray myself. I’m insecure about my healing progress so I’m going to need to look to you for validation for the choices I’ve made.
And most importantly, I see truth or reality as relative and situational, meaning depending on whether it relates to what I want or situates itself into my agendas.
So, trust me with your heart, your pain, your innermost secrets, the shame and guilt you hold, the hope you hang on to, and the dreams you’re almost afraid to have, but hold dear.
I got the training, or read a lot of books, or attended a lot of seminars… fill in the blank.
What would you say regarding that applicant?
Ooh, that’s what I want to work with! I’ve always wanted to become collateral damage to someone else’s issues!
Of course not.
Having said that, I want to say that manipulators manipulate.
Don’t be judge yourself if you do get harmed by the person you reached out to for help. You didn’t ask for it.
Even those knowledgeable of manipulative behavior can be taken in by manipulation. Ask me how I know.
You will be better equipped to spot the signs earlier if you have knowledge of them. You may be able to handle the fallout with a little more finesse. But the fact remains:
Manipulators are really good at manipulating.
Chances are they’ve had a lot of practice by the time they run into you.
So, what to do?
Do your best. Learn from others, learn from your experiences, integrate the lessons, take what you’ve learned and apply it to the next step you take.
Notice things. Even if you meet with your practitioner once in a while, be observant in that time.
What they say, what they do, and how you feel, how that impacts you—the nature of your conversations.
Use the list. Compare it to your experience.
See and determine if a pattern emerges. This is important. An abuser knows this. That’s why they work so hard to undermine you, so that you don’t see the pattern. Because isolated incidents can be seen as aberrations, but a pattern reveals who the person is.
What if other people don’t see manipulation or the abuse… and you do?
If your practitioner, by whatever title they go by, treats others well and you like crap, that’s all you need to know. Walk away.
The bottom line is, even if they are absolutely wonderful to everyone else, none of that matters if they’re crappy to you.
Let them save the world, and not destroy your life. Let them lift up humanity and not diminish your spirit. Let them be the best counselor or practitioner to the world, and not betray you in your healing.
Act accordingly to how you’re treated.
You can leave if you’re being abused. You can leave if it’s just not the right fit. You can leave, because the relationship was so great you’ve grown, and you’re ready for another adventure along your path with other company
A truly competent, good, and caring healer will celebrate with you… and let you go.
This is your healing journey. Walk it. Make it yours. Choose the company you will keep on it. Make it worthy of you. The right company can make all the difference in the world, certainly, in yours.
What’s your experience in seeking help from someone that would have been better to avoid? Are there other traits, characteristics or interactions that you consider essential in a healing relationship for you? I would be delighted to learn from you and for you to give voice to your experience and thoughts in the comments below.
And again, an offer for a 25% forever discount . Subscribe now. And thank you so much. I value your presence and your support, paid and free subscriber, or just a guest wandering through. Your time here means the world to me!
From my heart to yours,
Demian Elaine’ Yumei ~ Silent No More