A True & Effective Healer Respects the Truth
Valuing truth in the words they speak, they are capable of hearing and holding the truth in yours.
An installment from Eyes Wide Open: Avoiding Re-Traumatization, tools to recognize and prevent getting burnt or re-traumatized in therapy and self-help. Installments are standalone pieces and can be read in any order. Depending on my healing cadence, published weekly or biweekly, as I am able.
All installments can be found here.
Essential Trait #10 Respects the Truth
The truth is important, isn’t it?
But what is it? That’s been a philosophical and religious, moral and ethical conversation/debate for ages.
Perhaps, the question should be, for our purposes, in whatever way you perceive Truth to be, what is your relationship to it?
Specifically, how much should I trust you to be who you say you are and do what you say you will?
A relationship with a practitioner is an interesting paradox. You can share the most vulnerable parts of yourself with very little or next to no time establishing trust in the more usual ways. Like spending a period of time together to see whether your thoughts and feelings are consistently respected, or to witness and experience a pattern of overall truthfulness that’s consistent and palpable.
Of course, you can and should be observant for these things, but a practitioner’s credentials, expertise or reputation can significantly cut back the time you might normally need for someone to earn your trust. These signifiers of expertise buy them the benefit of integrity.
We talked about the trust that’s involved in giving someone your confidence, in sharing your story and the vulnerable parts of you.
Here, I want to talk about the extent your practitioner is capable or willing to be truthful, with themselves and you, which goes to the relationship they have with Truth, itself.
Truthful is Actionable
As interesting as your perspective may be on the nature of Truth-with-a-capital-“T”, your belief about Truth doesn’t reveal your relationship to it.
Your actions do.
Your practitioner’s relationship to the concept of truth—whether it’s the more wiggle room of relative truth versus a more clearly defined version of absolute truth—is revealed through their actions.
It's in your interest that you to pay attention to behavior over pontification. We’ve covered specific behavior in previous installments in this series, but I want to emphasize here the importance of one’s relationship to the nature of being truthful.
On your healing journey, you will run into individuals who play with the concept of Truth, or they may refer to it as Reality-with-a-capital-“R”, as a means to distract or dissuade you from noticing or calling them out on deceptive or hurtful behavior.
Truthful in Communication and Presentation
You need to be able to trust that the words your practitioner speaks are reflective of what they honestly see and believe.
Some people communicate to impress. Some, to convince, control, or manipulate.
A good practitioner communicates for connection and understanding. They speak to share information and ideas, express genuine thoughts and feelings. They engage in inquiry, and offer support, insights, and suggestions.
They speak without guile. They are not duplicitous in their motives.
There’s no hidden agenda to manipulate or punish or advance themselves at your or anybody else’s expense. They are who they present themselves to be.
Being truthful means their words align with and communicate the intention of the speaker. They mean what they say and say what they mean.
This doesn’t make every conversation a confessional.
A practitioner may need to be mindful in timing when speaking what they see or hear. But the purpose for the timing is out of respect for your readiness, never to find the right time to be conniving or self-serving.
Truthful Doesn’t Hide Behind Perspective
The concept of perspective, how one sees things, can be used to sugar coat a lie and skirt accountability.
To have respect for what’s true isn’t about “absolute truth” as much as absolute respect for what is true.
This means your perspective has a symbiotic partnership with truthfulness.
Has anyone ever tried to make their part in certain events equal to your part, when they were clearly abusive, and you were not?
You have your story, and I have mine, and somewhere out there is the truth.
That sounds magnanimous, doesn’t it? I mean, they’re holding themselves as just as equal as you in whatever went down. They’re just trying to be fair. And who can argue that people have different perspectives, right?
Except when it doesn’t have anything to do with perspective.
Except when it’s a slimy way to avoid accountability, and the concept of perspective is used to cover or perpetuate a lie to their advantage and at your expense.
If you went to emergency care, with a sliced open wound on your hand requiring stitches, could your assailant rightfully claim, “Well, that’s your opinion you got cut”?
And yet, there are some who will try. Make sure your practitioner isn’t one of them.
Or there may be different witness accounts regarding a murder, but somebody is dead, regardless how many accounts there are, or how widely they differ. That part is a fact, an absolute truth in terms of being alive or not alive, no matter what stories we tell ourselves or others.
How they got that way may be a matter of debate, but that they got that way, isn’t.
Likewise, a practitioner tells you one thing, maybe a very important thing, and then does a 180, now saying something totally opposite. That’s disorientating.
If they claim they never said that one thing, that’s concerning (and should, at the very least, set off an alert in you).
If they imply or state outright that there’s something wrong with you to believe they ever told you that one thing, that’s gaslighting, and a huge red flag.
Truthful Is Not Perfect. However, It Is Reliable and Consistent.
Your practitioner doesn’t need to be perfect. but they need to be reliable. You can count on them.
You can count on them to apologize if they overstep or hurt you. They can own whatever less than stellar or less than perfect thing they did, without declaring war on you.
They say what they mean. You know where you stand with them and they with you.
They are consistent. What they told you yesterday still stands today, and if it doesn’t, you can trust they will communicate that cleanly, and clearly, and why.
A good practitioner’s deeds are consistent with their words. One doesn’t contradict the other.
If you’re working with someone who talks about love but isn’t loving, or holds up respect but struggles to respect you, there’s a disconnect between what they assert and what they do. They may talk nice, but their actions or behavior tells you their words are not true.
If your practitioner’s words are misleading, confusing or deceptive, so is your relationship.
If they don’t respect the truth in their own words, they can’t respect yours. Valuing the truth in the words they speak, they are capable of hearing and holding the truth in yours.
There are so many things to consider, to process and discern on your healing journey. You don’t need to question the integrity of your practitioner’s words, too.
No one can help you clear the weeds if they are a weed, themselves.
In your healing, you are learning to be more authentic and more honest in the things you tell yourself and to others. You need that authenticity reciprocated by those you walk with.
You deserve that. Accept no less. It’s your heart you’re opening to them. It’s your stories, your pain, your hopes, your wounds and vulnerability, even your strength.
Make sure they are worthy of it all.
From my heart to yours,
Demian Elaine’ Yumei ~ Silent No More
Have you ever attempted to communicate with someone with hidden agendas or seek help from such a person? In what ways did they use their words to disorientate, confuse or gaslight you under the pretense of helping you? Share your experiences in the comments, and I’ll meet you there. 😊
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