š§ You Don't Have It As Bad
Or at least I'm not throwing you off a balcony
Silent No More is heart-to-heart conversations. Please know that Iām a fellow traveler on the healing journey, and not a certified therapist.
Article read by Demian
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Hey Dear One,
Iām glad youāre here. Iāve got a little story I want to share with you.
In the early part of my relationship with an ex, he told me a story about a friend of his, who in a rage, threw his girlfriend off a balcony. He assured me, he would never do that to me.
But the thing is, there were times, after doing something really hurtful, heād say, āAt least Iām not throwing you off a balcony.ā
Oh my god, thank you, right? Because how can being verbally or emotionally abused, no matter how intense, compare to being thrown off a balcony?
Self-effacement
Donāt do that to yourselfācreate a balcony you have to be thrown off of before you can stand up, speak out, tell yourself and others the truth, or seek the help you need.
But we kind of do that to ourselves, donāt we? Diminish ourselves, our experiences. Not just what we experience, but whether we have a right to talk about it. Or whether we have a right to feel what we feel about it.
āWell, I know I didnāt go through what you did, or she didā, as if you shouldnāt be hurting, because they went through so much more than you. They had a balcony experience. You didnāt.
Thereās always going to be someone who has it worse. Where do we stand in line with that? What does that mean to us? What will it take to give ourselves permission to say, āI hurtā?
Itās one thing to address the pain of another. Itās another to downplay our own pain.
That someone else may have experienced something worse, by all objectivity, doesnāt render your experiences meaningless. It doesnāt mean how you were impacted by it, is frivolous, or that you donāt have a right to have a resounding NO to it, or to talk about it, or write about it, or shout or sing about it.
The difference between respect and self-effacement
Sometimes prefacing your āIt wasnāt as bad asā¦ā can be said out of respect, an acknowledgement to another personās sharing, and not as personal self-effacement. And thatās fine. Thatās empathic.
But what Iāve witnessed is many survivors begin with the sharing of their story from a place of apologetic self-doubt, from feeling what they think, feel or experienced is of little consequence, or so little compared to others, that they shouldnāt even speak of it.
Do you do this?
Your apologetic embarrassment can be a symptom of being invalidated, by someone who has a personal agenda for that, not an honest appraisal of the situation.
Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. Period.
Thereās no bouncer standing at the door saying, āSorry, your scar is only so big, and it needs to be this big for you to enter.ā
That gatekeeper is in our heads, most often planted there by others.
There may be a difference between winding up in the ER because of a flu, and being run over by a truck. But that doesnāt mean you donāt need medical care, or assistance.
And, people who try to shut you up, or diminish you down are often the very ones who need to cover their tracks, to not take accountability for the hurt they know they did.
You donāt need their permission to share your story or speak your truth. You only need yours.
Let that thought germinate within you, and move you into decision and action.
Decide to speak up, when you need. Share without apology that itās āonlyā, or that itās ānot as bad asā¦ā Okay, and so what?
ā¢Ā Ā Ā Does it hurt you?
ā¢Ā Ā Ā Does it limit you?
ā¢Ā Ā Ā Does it build you up or tear you down?
Thatās all you need to know.
The other setback about feeling apologetic for your experience is that it also bleeds into your processing. You feel like, oh, itās just a little thing, that you can talk yourself out of sitting down with it, out of processing itātaking the time to figure out what it means in your life, what it has to tell you about who you are, and where youāve been, and being able to add that knowledge to the present moment, where you are deciding where you want to go.
So itās not just a matter of not feeling your story is important enough, or bad enough to share with others, but mostly, that you downplay it, when it comes to sharing it with yourself.
You need to tell the truth of your experiences to your own beautiful self.
So what do you think?
Have you ever felt apologetic to share your story of abuse, or to sit down and offer yourself the opportunity to heal from it? Was it because you didnāt think it was as bad as what other people went through, or were there other reasons?
If youāre so inclined, share your thoughts in the comments below, and Iāll meet you there.
And I love your presence here. If you havenāt already, please subscribe, and join me on this healing journey, so you donāt miss my weekly writings, my heart to yours.
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With love & fortitude,
Demian Elaineā Yumei ~ Silent No More
Have you ever felt apologetic to share your story of abuse, or to sit down and offer yourself the opportunity to heal from it? Was it because you didnāt think it was as bad as what other people went through, or were there other reasons?