Eyes Wide Open
How to avoid getting re-traumatized when seeking help on the healing journey
Audio by Demian
Dear Kindred Spirit,
This is the first installment of my manuscript, Eyes Wide Open: Avoid Getting Re-Traumatized While Seeking Help on the Healing Journey. It’s written in such a way, that you can jump in anywhere. There’s no need to start at the beginning (although this particular post is). Each installment is a standalone.
I wish I had something like this when I first started on my healing journey, but I’m really happy to be able to offer it to you, here!
It’s a brave thing you’re doing
Breaking patterns, addressing trauma and facing whatever regrets you may carry isn’t for the faint of heart. Walking the healing journey takes courage. It means opening up, looking at those tender parts of you, and holding them up to the light.
Many people would rather just not deal with it. They may go into denial, or sweep it under toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing.
The good news is you if you choose to do the work, you don’t have to go it alone. The bad news is that while there are a lot of people with integrity and good hearts, who want to help and can help, there are others who are not so altruistic.
They don’t walk the healing journey. They stalk it. And it pays you to be able to tell them apart, or recognize them, if they do slip in, sooner than later.
Predators, Scammers, Opportunists, and the Well-Intentioned
Predators, scammers and opportunists look at you, and they see a marketable demographic for their financial gain, a step to where they want to go. Your pain and your trust marks you an easy target. Your vulnerability is like blood in the water to a shark
Some people are just hungry, and you’re the food.
And then there are those, genuinely well-intentioned, who want to help, but they are not qualified. They have no training. They overstep boundaries. They project the very real lessons they learned from their personal experiences into areas of which they have no knowledge.
When you place your pain and confidence in their hands they can’t bear its weight, or they don’t have the knowledge to handle it properly, or the maturity to respect their limits.
Then there are those who do have the training, but they haven’t dealt with their own issues. They take pride in the credentials they worked for and attained, but their unresolved issues muddy the extent to which they can use that knowledge for good. The skills they trained for can used in ways they were not meant to be used. They can be weaponized against you, to meet whatever agenda or unmet need they may have.
An unhealthy person with the license to be a health practitioner can be a dangerous combination.
You are here to heal old wounds, not accrue new ones.
Unfortunately, that is a risk you take.
Eyes Wide Open can help mitigate that risk.
Three areas to keep your eyes open
The Healer or Practitioner, themselves: Regardless the modality of healing they’re trained for, two important questions to keep in mind, “How healthy are they?” And “Do they respect me?”. One will inform the other. These two factors can play a big role in how they will use their skills—For your empowerment or against it?
Expertise: Signifiers of expertise, as well as assumptions about them, can be manipulated to lead you to believe someone possess a level of expertise they don’t have. This can cause you to give someone your trust, when it’s not merited. Eventually, you may figure it out, but a lot of damage can be done before you do. Better to not walk into that trap if you can at all help it.
Support Groups: Support groups can create incredible environments for healing. Unhealthy ones can become breeding grounds for toxic behavior. Learn to tell them apart. Again, the sooner the better.
We’ll be covering these topics in this series, Eyes Wide Open. This knowledge can make a big difference in your experiences, and that’s why I want you to have this information.
Now, there’s no guarantee you’re never going to get hurt, if you arm yourself with knowledge, but you will be better prepared to recognize the red flags, and to realize that when you’re in a bad situation to make for the exit.
One of the few things that can be guaranteed
If you’re on the healing journey for any length of time, you’re going to run into people who are healthier than you and not as healthy as you, or more together than you or not as together as you. However you describe it, you may perceive some who appear healthier or more together as being competent to guide you through the logistics of your healing, when, in fact, they are not.
Do not mistake one for the other. In the self-help movement, especially, that’s easy to do.
So, I’m wondering…
Have you ever reached out to a person or support group, and got burnt instead of helped?
I have.
If you have, please know that it’s not your fault. Sometimes when we get taken advantage of we feel shame or embarrassment, but it’s not your fault. Manipulators are good at manipulating.
If you have an experience where you reached out to someone and was taken advantage of, please share your experience in the comments below, as is right for you, and I’ll meet you there.
Here’s to our empowerment, together.
Demian Elaine’ Yumei
~Silent No More
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QUESTION: HAVE YOU EVER REACHED OUT TO A PERSON OR A SUPPORT GROUP, AND GOT BURNT INSTEAD OF HELPED?
Yes, I have... a number of times in varying degrees, but the first and most traumatic was within the first year I began dealing with my childhood sex abuse.
This was in the late '80's, my first support group, one that was portrayed as an alternative to traditional help for women. I didn't realize, at that time, there's a big difference between a support group and a therapy group. I didn't see the red flags. The facilitator of the group didn't respect the difference, and decided she was qualified to use what she called a "Gestalt technique" after attending a weekend seminar... as a client.
The results were disastrous, for me, anyway, because in her zealousness to bust through my "denial", she crossed a number of boundaries, and exerted pressure instead of respecting my space and timing. This caused me to hastily grab onto a fear as fact, which she pounced on as truth, when I didn't have all the pieces yet, which when I did, greatly changed the picture.
This set me back, I don't know for how long, in my healing. But it took a long, long time to heal from that, and my already weak self-trust was dealt a serious blow. Thank goodness, even though I couldn't articulate the reason, at that time, I did not go back! Damage was done, though.