Back Where You Started or a Deeper Dive?
An update of a spiral journey
Dear Beautiful One,
First, let me apologize for missing last Saturday’s letter to you. I had experienced some triggering events, rapid fire, over a three-day period—two on Thursday, one on Friday, and then on Saturday.
Any one of these happenings, on their own, I would have been able to handle, but everything seemed to converge to overwhelm my senses and nervous system. After an extended illness during November, this finale to the month did me in. I nosedived into a deep and emotional psychological tailspin.
It’s been a long time since I experienced this degree of intensity, to be so swept away by the confluence of time in flashbacks and panic. In these protracted moments of overwhelm, there was no “who-I am-now” to be sitting with or stabilizing the “who-I-was-then”.
So I reverted to what I did as a child to survive. I shut down, completely, full-stop.
Much of Saturday through the next day into Monday, I lied immobile, staring at the curtained window by my bed, or slept. Even though some flashbacks that arose in recent years could be intense, they were few, and always, there was enough of a “present me” to channel some compassion, and reassurance, into the commingling of time and experience.
Monday, the tide started to turn. By Tuesday night I began to feel “here” enough and was able to let out a long exhale.
I knew doors would be opening, emotions would be shaken awake, because I had chosen to go deeper into my healing work with my voice and trauma from my past, but I wasn’t prepared for this.
Some Good Stuff
But it hasn’t been all “bad”. My vocal folds had a chance to rest while I was sick during the month of November. My illness necessitated a lot of time alone.
My sweet pittie-mix kept me company, and while she’s great at chattering her teeth when she’s excited to see me, and groan-moaning her “I love you’s” when I rub her tummy, she’s not exactly a great conversationalist.
So plenty of rest time for my voice.
I can now sing-song MJ’s name when I call her, which pleases both of us tremendously.
Below is an audio clip of the progress my vocal cords and I have made.
A Before and After of My Voice: a short audio clip
Still don’t feel comfortable singing a full song, and evidently have a ways to go to get my voice in top shape, but I’m making progress, and that makes me happy.
Additionally, I saw my primary doctor and talked to her about my vocal concerns, and not only will I be seeing an ENT, but it looks like I’ll be seeing one who sub-specializes in singers/actors and those who use their voice professionally. That is what I hoped for!
And I was so taken aback by the intensity of the flashbacks, I called a counseling center for victims of sexual abuse, and there’s a good chance I can get a grant that will cover the expense. I go in to apply in a couple weeks.
Take the Time to Be Present Even If It’s Old
It’s so easy to feel like a failure when it feels like you’ve taken a major step back in your healing. How is this happening again???
Be present with the things that hurt you, no matter how old you think they may be. If it’s hurting you now, it’s in the present. Labeling it as the past doesn’t help you.
It’s not a failure. You’re not a failure, when you feel like you’re back where you started. It’s a deeper dive, and there are treasures down there, sunken in forgotten memory, hidden under the wreckage of the struggle to survive.
And it belongs to you.
Tonight I spent time with my 3-year-old grandson who called his Nana to spend the evening with him, because he was feeling very sad. I could take a lesson or two from him on how to ask for what you need, without apology or shame.
It took me all of one second to tell him I was on my way.
It wouldn’t be wrong to say that I received the greatest benefit from those few hours with him. If you need to ground yourself in the present, be with someone who’s an expert at it. That’s often a child.
I’m getting help. Things are lining up, and the truth is, I have more things to be grateful for than to complain about—that’s for sure. And one of the things I have to be grateful for is you.
Thank you for listening and holding this space for me. Still treading lightly, but I’ll be writing regularly again, soon.
From my heart to yours,
Demian Elaine’ Yumei
“Deeper digging isn’t a grave, it’s a treasure hunt” that’s a keeper! And a great prompt.
Thank you for sharing. It's comforting to know, no matter how much healing you may have done, there can be setbacks from triggers where you don't expect them. (And I so relate to spending time with 3 year old grandson to help turn things around--even if just for a few hours.)